What if I were responsible?

What if I got to decide how I would treat my loved ones? What if I could decide to see the ten ways that my son has been loving and kind, and ignore the crack he made about his sister? What if I could look right in my 5-year-old daughter’s face when she spoke to me, stopping my busyness for a moment and really listen to her? What if I could decide to listen to what my partner says, though I’ve heard it a hundred times and could finish the thought?

I wonder what would happen if I were able to decide how to feel about my boss. When I didn’t think something was right, what would happen if I said so? What if I could decide to say what I think would work, again and in different ways until I was heard? What if my people didn’t do something the way I wanted and I decided it was because I wasn’t clear enough? What would happen if I took the fall for something that could land on them? 

What if I could show my neighbor my concerns about pesticide spraying, or ask her to turn her music down late at night? What if I didn’t ignore her but invited her over to my barbeque? What if I went to her heavy metal blowout? What if I didn’t have to talk about her to the other neighbors?
What if I could decide what to eat and when? What if I could exercise frequently to stay healthy and strong? What if I could go to sleep when I was tired? What if I could feel fully alive without caffeine? What if I could pay careful attention to what my body needs?

What if I didn’t have to make excuses for the ways that I was late, behind, deficient, unprepared, or disrespectful? What if I didn’t have to blame other people for something that I alone control? What if I could be honest even when it was difficult? What if I really heard what you are telling me? What if I really heard what I have been telling myself?

What if my life were mine to decide?

What if? 

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